I'm too familiar with much shame. Most of it due to poor decisions and bad behavior that were committed during times I was under the influence of alcohol. Not an excuse, an explanation. But not all of those bad decisions and behaviors can be attributed to being impaired by a substance. Many others happened when I was young and inexperienced. The rest? Well, maybe I am just deeply flawed and will never become the "good" person I had hopes of being.
Brene Brown has videos and books that speak to the delbilitating effects of too much shame. I am well acquainted with what that feels like, the soul crushing weight of intrinsic badness. When you feel that you are rotten to the core, it is easy to just throw up your hands and give up even trying to be "good."
Shame's sister is regret. One is "I am Bad" and and the other is "I am Sorry."
You can have regret without shame. But I've yet to encounter shame without regret.
So, yes, shame is horrible. But it is also necessary.
I have many, many regrets. Mostly about people I've loved and then gone on to hurt, deeply. But many of those regrets did not include shame. I felt regret without shame when I had some kind of excuse to justify my bad behavior. Regrets with that added kick of shame stick around because there was not justification. Because what I did was antiethical to who I believe myself to be.
And that is why shame can be good. Because if you don't have just enough shame about a bad behavior, you will be at risk of repeating it. Regret is touching something you shouldn't. Shame getting burned when you do it. Burned badly enough you have a scar, one you can look at whenever you need to, to remind yourself to never, ever touch that again.
I hope I never completely get rid of my shame. There is probably just a little too much of it still. I know this because when I allow myself to really feel it, I become emotionally paralyzed. I feel the weight and dread and hopelessness start to settle on me. It's incapacitating, if I allow it to be.
I do my best to wriggle my way out from under it, but I do not cast it off completely. Because it is necessary. It is imperative that I do not forget. Because I do not want to ever make those mistakes again.