Emotional Pornography

 I read an article today about women who form relationships with AI chatbots.

It occurred to me that there are similarities between AI relationships and pornography. In both instances, people are interacting with an artificial representation of reality that is always available, infinitely interesting, and frequently escalating.

In these instances, AI becomes emotional pornography.

And both AI relationships and porn work because both provide easy access to something we all crave: emotional connection and sexual satisfaction. Both of which are due to chemical reinforcement that occurs in the brain: dopamine. We are dopamine seekers. Dopamine is the chemical reward system. We get a hit of dopamine whenever we do something that gives us "pleasure." It's the reward that tells us to seek more of what gave us that feeling.

Dopamine isn't "bad;" it's necessary. It's an important part of our brain chemistry. But like many reward systems, it can be over or misused and end up becoming problematic. 

While it is tempting to delve into why porn and AI can become addictive, I'm more interested in why we are so vulnerable to begin with. Because it isn't just porn and AI, it's alcohol and drugs. It's gambling and food. It's video and phone games. It's social media platforms. 

We are surrounded by things distract us and promote a false sense of connection. Why?

The world is a scary place. It always has been and always will be. You feel fear when you don't feel safe. And fear is at its worst when you feel like you have no power or ability to keep yourself "safe," whether that be physical or emotional safety. The threats we are facing today are far more terrifying than anything we, as a species, have ever faced before. And many, many of them are so beyond our individual ability to address. There is a hopelessness and a helplessness that transforms basic fear into something existential. So if you feel scared and powerless AND you have no hope that you can address the threat, what can you do but distract and disconnect?

When you are trapped in a terrifying situation that you have no ability to change or leave, what else can you do but endure it? How better to endure than to disconnect and seek anything that gives you a little relief.

So in order to exist with in a world, within a society, that isn't safe, we seek to distract and soothe ourselves. If we cannot feel safe, at least we can feel good. So we seek things that either relieve our pain or that helps us feel we are better people. That we are loved and accepted and wanted. That we are "ok," even if everything around us is screaming at us that we are most definitely NOT ok.

If you were to strip away all of the means of distraction and artificial reward, what are you left with?

Take away alcohol and drugs. Take away porn, gambling, unlimited access to unhealthy food. Take away "social" media and anything that asks you to "like" or "react" to it. Stop "following" anything online. Put down your phone and step away from your computer.

Really imagine what it would be like to stop doing all of that. How would you feel? What would replace it?

When there is a natural disaster, communities pull together. Frequently you see a huge outpouring of help. People send money and supplies. People literally roll up their sleeves and pitch in to help family, friends, neighbors, and complete strangers. Because there is something they can DO to help. And helping feels good.

The very thing we go to porn and AI relationships for, is the very thing they ultimately take from us. The sexual satisfaction and the sense of connection, love, and acceptance is a fiction. It's a lie that prevents us from finding what we need, what we crave, in reality.

It's the "thoughts and prayers" approach to "helping" others who are going through a tragedy. It's the "likes and emojis" approach to connecting with others. It's the drug or drink we use to avoid our pain.

It takes real courage to face our fears. It takes real courage to resist the urge to hide beneath the covers of false soothing and to seek empty distractions. To realize that maybe we are actually strong enough and brave enough to face our fears, but that in order to do so we are going to need to accept that we may fail before we finally succeed.