Unexpected Things I Learned

Unexpected things I have learned in the past week:

• A 74 y.o., 300 lb, man can have a heart rate of 20 beats/minute and still be conscious enough to obsess over his not having been allowed to have a bowel movement in the ambulance on the way to the ER.
• It takes 30 minutes to implant a pacemaker and leaves a 1.5 inch incision that can super glued closed.
• Cardiologists at Seton ROCK!
• Bowel obsession will continue, with graphic description of frequency, consistency and size until enough laxatives have been administered to regulate a horse.
• The hospital frowns upon the possession of hunting knives by their patients.
• If your father, in a telephone conversation with your brother, begins to monologue on the differences between blacks (not his word) and whites, then it is guaranteed that the nurse on duty will come in to take vitals and she will be black.
• If you are on Medicare, you must stay 3 nights in a hospital before being transferred to Assisted Living, if you want them to continue coverage. Three nights is defined by "three midnights." If the doctor writes discharge orders prior to those three midnights having been passed, then you will scramble to find some place, any place to take your absolutely-not-ready-to-go-home father.
• Some rehabilitation hospitals have lower standards of admissions than others.
• Apparently, masking tape, Glues All, aforementioned hunting knife, and a spool of wire are absolute Must Haves when in rehabilitation.
• You can lose 20 lbs in one week once your water pills and water consumption are monitored.
• Having and caring for an elderly parent is a lot like having another child. Except they will become less independent over time and more stubborn.