This is sort of a blog PSA shout out to the women out there who got dragged to this movie by their husbands/boyfriends.
You're in, you're committed. And now you're stuck wasting 3 hours of your life on a movie whose target audience is clearly Toddlerous Giganticus, otherwise known as the semi-grown American male. I won't waste my carpal tunnel on why you shouldn't have been roped into this in the first place. I mean the title alone makes no sense. "The Dark of the Moon"? WTF? Last I checked, "dark" mainly functioned as an adjective. Maybe the budget they blew on CGI to cover up the lack of plot prevented them from getting permission from Pink Floyd to use "Side" in the title. Hollywood, a mystery.
So, you are where you are. Hopefully the seats are comfortable. But here, my friends, are some tips on what you can do to pass the time more pleasantly:
1. Bring booze. Cans of beer, while portable, are too conspicuous when opening. Opt instead for a water bottle filled with Gin and Tonic. Hmmm. Squeeze in a piece of lime. Oh, and it is three hours. Bring several. Put them in that over sized designer purse.
2. Tweet to all your peeps a blow by blow of how much this blows. Who cares if no one follows you on Twitter? Your voice is important! Let it be heard! Just don't try this at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema--you will get thrown out: Alamo's Response to Rude Texter
3. Get the Octomom-sized Popcorn, but pace yourself. Alternate popcorn with G &T. Aim for a potty break every 30 minutes. Don't get the butter. Seriously. First off, we all know it isn't butter but the rendered fat from liposuctions. Even if you are committed to recycling, don't do it.
4. People watch. Spot the other women in a similar situation. You may run into them in the bathroom anyway. Maybe agree to some kind of covert signal to share during the movie during particularly heinous parts. Such as when you think Shia is hotter than the dude you're with.
5. Isometric exercises. Hey, a girl has got to keep the body hot to hang on to this envious piece of man meat, right? Right?
6. Related to Number 5: Kegels. Hell, if this dude doesn't work out, at least the next one is going to benefit.Contract, release, contract, release...
7. Fantasize about the fun you would be having ANY OTHER PLACE THAN THIS. Wish you'd gone to happy hour with your friend Maria. Or did your laundry. Or brushed your cat.
8. Tabulate the points he owes you for sitting through this sh*t. A *nice* dinner out. You know, a place with cloth napkins and non-plastic utensils. Not some taco shack. And wine, not some White Zin fluff. And, it WAS three hours after all, some chickish flick. He sooooo owes you . And, finally, this time a real orgasm.
9. Manicure. Sure, go ahead, clip and file to your hearts content. At least your nails will look good at the end. Sure, the lights too dim to do a good paint job. But at least the "butter" smell will cover up the fumes.
10. Make-out. OK, this has some major Pros and Cons. Pros: you get some sweet lip time with your honey, with added voyeuristic spice. And if it is hot enough, he might be enticed to leave the movie early. (Girls, the bar be set.). Cons: he thinks that the reason you got all frisky on him has something to do with the subject matter and makes this a regular occurrence. You're a smart girl, nail the Pros.
You're in, you're committed. And now you're stuck wasting 3 hours of your life on a movie whose target audience is clearly Toddlerous Giganticus, otherwise known as the semi-grown American male. I won't waste my carpal tunnel on why you shouldn't have been roped into this in the first place. I mean the title alone makes no sense. "The Dark of the Moon"? WTF? Last I checked, "dark" mainly functioned as an adjective. Maybe the budget they blew on CGI to cover up the lack of plot prevented them from getting permission from Pink Floyd to use "Side" in the title. Hollywood, a mystery.
So, you are where you are. Hopefully the seats are comfortable. But here, my friends, are some tips on what you can do to pass the time more pleasantly:
1. Bring booze. Cans of beer, while portable, are too conspicuous when opening. Opt instead for a water bottle filled with Gin and Tonic. Hmmm. Squeeze in a piece of lime. Oh, and it is three hours. Bring several. Put them in that over sized designer purse.
2. Tweet to all your peeps a blow by blow of how much this blows. Who cares if no one follows you on Twitter? Your voice is important! Let it be heard! Just don't try this at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema--you will get thrown out: Alamo's Response to Rude Texter
3. Get the Octomom-sized Popcorn, but pace yourself. Alternate popcorn with G &T. Aim for a potty break every 30 minutes. Don't get the butter. Seriously. First off, we all know it isn't butter but the rendered fat from liposuctions. Even if you are committed to recycling, don't do it.
4. People watch. Spot the other women in a similar situation. You may run into them in the bathroom anyway. Maybe agree to some kind of covert signal to share during the movie during particularly heinous parts. Such as when you think Shia is hotter than the dude you're with.
5. Isometric exercises. Hey, a girl has got to keep the body hot to hang on to this envious piece of man meat, right? Right?
6. Related to Number 5: Kegels. Hell, if this dude doesn't work out, at least the next one is going to benefit.Contract, release, contract, release...
7. Fantasize about the fun you would be having ANY OTHER PLACE THAN THIS. Wish you'd gone to happy hour with your friend Maria. Or did your laundry. Or brushed your cat.
8. Tabulate the points he owes you for sitting through this sh*t. A *nice* dinner out. You know, a place with cloth napkins and non-plastic utensils. Not some taco shack. And wine, not some White Zin fluff. And, it WAS three hours after all, some chickish flick. He sooooo owes you . And, finally, this time a real orgasm.
9. Manicure. Sure, go ahead, clip and file to your hearts content. At least your nails will look good at the end. Sure, the lights too dim to do a good paint job. But at least the "butter" smell will cover up the fumes.
10. Make-out. OK, this has some major Pros and Cons. Pros: you get some sweet lip time with your honey, with added voyeuristic spice. And if it is hot enough, he might be enticed to leave the movie early. (Girls, the bar be set.). Cons: he thinks that the reason you got all frisky on him has something to do with the subject matter and makes this a regular occurrence. You're a smart girl, nail the Pros.
LOL... "Toddlerous Giganticus, otherwise known as the semi-grown American male"
ReplyDeleteOohhhh! "the rendered fat from liposuctions. Even if you are committed to recycling, don't do it" LOL
ReplyDelete