How to Entertain Yourself at the Airport

Let's face it: Air travel sucks. Anything you can do to make it more tolerable, the better. Having just successfully cooled my heels at a major airport, I can personally recommend the following:

1. Read a fashion magazine. Be shocked once again to discover that long lashes, lip gloss and ponytails are "in" for the Spring. Who knew?
2. Pee. Look for a toilet that doesn't have something disgusting in it. This might take you several tries. What is it about the advent of automatic-flush toilets that gives otherwise fastidious people permission to be gross? Try not to notice that the seat is still warm from its previous occupant
3. Walk backwards on the motorized walkway, but only fast enough that your rate of advancement is net zero.
4. Eat for less than $5.00. This is more challenging that it initially appears. And, no, a Starbuck's frappaccino does not count, even if you add protein powder. You might have to settle for a leathery old hot dog from the sport bar's rotisserie.
5. Count tattoos and piercings. Whomever counts the most (visible) on one person wins. Prize is anything from the newsstand's travel section. I, personally, like the tiny travel-sized deodorant stick. I feel like I have to hold my pinkie out while applying it.
   
6. Eat sunflower seeds. Practice splitting open the shell, extracting the seed, and "whoofting" the hull, using only your mouth. When you've mastered that, practice your aim.
7. Once you've finished the fashion rag, work your way down the buffet of reading materials. Recall your pledge to not waste your mind on trash. Virtuously pick up The New Yorker or Harper's Magazine. Quickly abandon these when after a few pages you realize that a) you really should have applied yourself more during your days at that state university and b) if you fall asleep, no one will watch your stuff. Return to the newsstand. With your head held high (but your eye averted) pay for the literary equivalent of high carbs and trans fats (Star, Cosmo). Promise yourself you'll finish that article on John Murtha in the morning, over black coffee and oatmeal.
8. Note again that long lashes, lip gloss and ponytails really are "in." Check lashes in mirror. Wonder how long it will take your hair to grow long enough to pull back again. Briefly consider how age-appropriate a ponytail is anyway. That goes for the gloss too, which seems to mostly appear on girls young enough to pass for daughter. But 40 is the new 30! Think happy, Demi-Moore-thoughts.
9. Clean up contacts list, voice mail, and photo gallery in cell phone. Speculate about the divide between those who touch type and those who touch IM. Practice two thumb IM'ing. Wonder if this is a flashback to Morse Code.
10. Jockey for a seat close to the boarding gate. Even if you are in Group 4, you want to make sure you are loaded as early as possible, so as many people as possible have to climb over you to get to their seat.