May I Have a Little Shame, Please?

Shame gets a bad rap. For me, it's a little like salt. A little bit enhances the flavor of a dish. Too much, and what should be delicious becomes inedible. But elminate it entirely and you're left with an unapetizing mess. I'm familiar with too much shame, most of it due to poor decisions and bad behavior most of which were committed during times I was under the influence of alcohol. Not an excuse, an explanation. But not all of those bad decisions and behaviors can be attributed to being impaired by a substance. Many others happened when I was young and experienced. The rest? Well, maybe I am just deeply flawed and will never become the "good" person I had hopes of being. Brene Brown has videos and books that speak to the delbilitating effects of too much shame. I am well acquainted with what that feels like, the soul crushing weight of intrinsic badness. When you feel that you are rotten to the core, it is easy to just throw up your hands and give up even trying to be "good." Shame's sister is regret. "I am Bad and I am Sorry." You can have regret without shame. But I've yet to encounter shame without regret. So, yes, shame is horrible. But it is also necessary. I have many, many regrets. Mostly about people I've loved and then gone on to hurt, deeply. But many of those regrets did not include shame. I felt regret without shame when I had some kind of excuse to justify my bad behavior. Regrets with that added kick of shame stick around because there was not justification. Because what I did was antiethical to who I believe myself to be. And that is why shame can be good. Because if you don't have just enough shame about a bad behavior, you will be at risk of repeating it. Regret is touching something you shouldn't. Shame getting burned when you do it. Burned badly enough you have a scar, one you can look at whenever you need to, to remind yourself to never, ever touch that again. I hope I never completely get rid of my shame. There is probably just a little too much of it still. I know this because when I allow myself to really feel it, I become emotionally immobilized. I feel the weight and dread and hopelessness start to settle on me. It's incapacitating, if I allow it to be. I do my best to wriggle my way out from under it, but I do not cast it off completely. Because it is necessary. It is imperative that I do not forget. Because I do not want to ever make those mistakes again.

Emotional Pornography

 I read an article today about women who form relationships with AI chatbots.

It occurred to me that there are similarities between AI relationships and pornography. In both instances, people are interacting with an artificial representation of reality that is always available, infinitely interesting, and frequently escalating.

In these instances, AI becomes emotional pornography.

And both AI relationships and porn work because both provide easy access to something we all crave: emotional connection and sexual satisfaction. Both of which are due to chemical reinforcement that occurs in the brain: dopamine. We are dopamine seekers. Dopamine is the chemical reward system. We get a hit of dopamine whenever we do something that gives us "pleasure." It's the reward that tells us to seek more of what gave us that feeling.

Dopamine isn't "bad;" it's necessary. It's an important part of our brain chemistry. But like many reward systems, it can be over or misused and end up becoming problematic. 

While it is tempting to delve into why porn and AI can become addictive, I'm more interested in why we are so vulnerable to begin with. Because it isn't just porn and AI, it's alcohol and drugs. It's gambling and food. It's video and phone games. It's social media platforms. 

We are surrounded by things distract us and promote a false sense of connection. Why?

The world is a scary place. It always has been and always will be. You feel fear when you don't feel safe. And fear is at its worst when you feel like you have no power or ability to keep yourself "safe," whether that be physical or emotional safety. The threats we are facing today are far more terrifying than anything we, as a species, have ever faced before. And many, many of them are so beyond our individual ability to address. There is a hopelessness and a helplessness that transforms basic fear into something existential. So if you feel scared and powerless AND you have no hope that you can address the threat, what can you do but distract and disconnect?

When you are trapped in a terrifying situation that you have no ability to change or leave, what else can you do but endure it? How better to endure than to disconnect and seek anything that gives you a little relief.

So in order to exist with in a world, within a society, that isn't safe, we seek to distract and soothe ourselves. If we cannot feel safe, at least we can feel good. So we seek things that either relieve our pain or that helps us feel we are better people. That we are loved and accepted and wanted. That we are "ok," even if everything around us is screaming at us that we are most definitely NOT ok.

If you were to strip away all of the means of distraction and artificial reward, what are you left with?

Take away alcohol and drugs. Take away porn, gambling, unlimited access to unhealthy food. Take away "social" media and anything that asks you to "like" or "react" to it. Stop "following" anything online. Put down your phone and step away from your computer.

Really imagine what it would be like to stop doing all of that. How would you feel? What would replace it?

When there is a natural disaster, communities pull together. Frequently you see a huge outpouring of help. People send money and supplies. People literally roll up their sleeves and pitch in to help family, friends, neighbors, and complete strangers. Because there is something they can DO to help. And helping feels good.

The very thing we go to porn and AI relationships for, is the very thing they ultimately take from us. The sexual satisfaction and the sense of connection, love, and acceptance is a fiction. It's a lie that prevents us from finding what we need, what we crave, in reality.

It's the "thoughts and prayers" approach to "helping" others who are going through a tragedy. It's the "likes and emojis" approach to connecting with others. It's the drug or drink we use to avoid our pain.

It takes real courage to face our fears. It takes real courage to resist the urge to hide beneath the covers of false soothing and to seek empty distractions. To realize that maybe we are actually strong enough and brave enough to face our fears, but that in order to do so we are going to need to accept that we may fail before we finally succeed. 

MAGA is a Cult

Today I was reading an article in the Guardian about the rise and fall of the Jesus Fellowship, which was a cult in Britain. The article describes one woman's experience of her family having been drawn into the fellowship, and how she and her family managed to extricate themselves.

It dawned on me that MAGA has many of the characteristics of a cult:

• Charismatic leadership
• Extreme beliefs and practices
• Control and isolation
• Suppression of dissent
• Exploitation
• Us-versus-them mentality
• Lack of accountability
• Authoritarian structure
• Mind-altering practices
• Emotional manipulation

And probably the most important: fear of leaving.

If MAGA is a cult, then perhaps understanding what it takes for someone to leave a cult would be helpful. 

Most importantly, find a group of former cult members. People need a safe place to talk about their experiences with in the cult and to encourage others who want to leave it. 

At some point, people within a cult start to question the actions and motives of its leaders. Especially when they or the people they love start to be hurt. 

Only by banding together can former cult members feel safe, find the power to help themselves and others, and fight retribution.